


Whole

by givemeunicorns



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Break Up, Coda, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 06:23:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18493192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/givemeunicorns/pseuds/givemeunicorns
Summary: For Magnus, he would carve out the part of himself that he had kept for so many years, quietly hidden under his ribs, a box opened only in the absolute solitude of the darkest nights, a flame of imagination, a dream of a life where he got to have everything. Where he could find someone, a man, who was good and kind and loved him for himself. Where he could live that life in openness and contentment. He'd been so close to it, had the sweetest taste of it. For Magnus he would burn it to the ground, and scatter the ashes of that life.





	Whole

**Author's Note:**

> I'm finally caught up on shadowhunters and I am DISTRAUGHT

     Alec had always found comfort Magnus's touch. Strong hands holding him steady when he felt adrift, like a leaf caught in a strong wind. A strong body to lean into when he didn't have the strength to stay standing on his own. Magnus's touch was a balm to Alec's raw and wounded soul.

     But now, in the moment, Magnus's touch _hurt._ His fingers felt like fire on Alec's skin, clutching at him, begging him not to do this. He closed his eyes, his mouth because if he laid eyes on Magnus, if he allowed himself one last taste of that kiss, if he saw what he was doing right now, in this moment, the truth would boil out of him, and then it would be over. Magnus's magic would be gone forever. His chance would be lost and Magnus, though he would try, would never forgive him. And he would never forgive himself.

     So he would do this. He would lie, and keep lying, and walk away. He would cut Magnus free of the mess Alec had made of their lives. For Magnus, he would carve out the part of himself that he had kept for so many years, quietly hidden under his ribs, a box opened only in the absolute solitude of the darkest nights, a flame of imagination, a dream of a life where he got to have everything. Where he could find someone, a man, who was good and kind and loved him for himself. Where he could live that life in openness and contentment. He'd been so close to it, had the sweetest taste of it. For Magnus he would burn it to the ground, and scatter the ashes of that life.

     Magnus had given up something fundamental to himself to keep Alec whole. Alec could suffer this for him, to make him whole again. Because the cruelest thing was that some part of Alec had always known this is how it would have to be. Some bitter part of his mind, the voice he'd tuned out for months, as Magnus again and again defied every expectation Alec had set, who loved Alec as he never thought he could be loved, hissed at him that this was what he deserved. For thinking he could ever really have that life. The truth, the one Alec knew deep in his soul, was that never meant to be enough. That that life had never really existed. That he was never meant to be whole.

     But Magnus, Magnus had lived lifetimes. He carried something ancient and precious in his soul, not just his magic, but that magnificent passion for life that he'd kept despite lifetimes of shattered hopes and broken dreams, a spark that had made him not just powerful, but good and kind. He'd given it up, in a moment, for Alec. So now, he had to keep the spark of Magnus alive, and if his own future, his own happiness had to be the kindling, then Alec wouldn't think twice about lighting the match. Magnus, his bright, beautiful Magnus, deserved everything Alec could possible give him. And while he certainly didn't deserve this, this cruel jab when he was at his lowest, he deserved what would come after. He deserved his magic. He deserved a future. He deserved a chance to find someone who could love him without having to sacrifice so much of himself. Alec might not outlive this heart break, but Magnus would. He had survived heartache and loss before. In a handful of decades, Alec would be nothing more than an arrowhead in a box and a few fond memories of Tokyo and Havana. He'd be a story Magnus told a parties, a name casually dropped, about the time he'd tried to make it work with a shadowhunter. In time, Magnus would recover, and it was that thought he clung to when Magnus whispered against his lips _Stay with me_. It was that thought alone that gave him the strength to pull away from the embrace he longed for, the man he loved, the last man he would ever love, and walk out the door.

 


End file.
